Friday,May 9, 2014 (Coming Home)

Last night I spent the night with Mettie.  She was restless and agitated as she has been every night for the last week. She has been in pain for so long.  I spent that night holding her, touching her, singing, and talking to her, looking at all of her beautiful body and kissing my baby.  I felt a calmness but a deep sadness.  Will I remember the line in her forehead, the way her pinky finger on her left hand crosses over on top of the next one, the way her little index finger is double jointed  and bends so far back when she extends her fingers all the way out, the way her left club foot rests on her right leg, how soft her skin feels, her beautiful dark hair, her cute little nose, her perfect ears, her little lips and how the bottom one pierces her little mouth shut (especially when the nurses would try to suction out her mouth, she didn't really like them doing that.  But on occasion she would let nurses suction her and suck on that little device).  Would I remember her scent, her tiny head and how it felt in my hand, the empty spots in between the sections of her skull, her soft hair, her little chin and then watching it double as she gained a little weight, her short little neck, her long skinny legs and arms, and her eyes how she struggled at times to open them but when she did there was my Mettie.  She is perfect.

I held her again early in the morning,  I really wanted to give her a bath but I was waiting for the nurse to suggest it.  Instead Mettie helped that happen. Her colostomy bagged leak. It was a gift she was giving me.  I was able to bathe her and clean her beautiful little body.  She was awake for me and watched me.  As I dried her, my hair fell on her belly, she squirmed as it tickled her tummy.  I dressed her with the help of the nurse, that has been hard to do with all her wires and ET tube.  They took out the picc line out of her right thigh this morning.  She now has the one left in her right arm to receive her PGE that keeps her heart open.  Matt and I stayed right with her holding her hand and feet and giving her kisses.

We had requested that Mettie be transported by ambulance with her ventilator to optimize the time we would have with her at home.  We were scared if they excavated Mettie at the hospital that we may not make it home. The EMT arrived with their stretcher and little bed on top for Mettie.  Once they had the portable ventilator intact and medicine pumps ready they moved her to this little bed.  I traveled with her in the ambulance.  She held my finger the entire way.  We arrived home at 10:30 am.  All of our kids and grandparents were outside waiting for their sweet Mettie.  The EMT transported her inside our home where there was a few hospice staff.  They helped me change her clothes. We wanted a family picture inside our home.  We took a few with her on the vent and then they removed the ET and GT tube at 11:10 am.  This was the first time since she was born that she didn't have tubes or tape all over her face.  I could see both of her sweet little lips.  We then took some more pictures of our forever family.  As each of the kids took their quick turn holding their sister, the others played a song on the piano for their sister Mettie.  That was something they all wanted to do for her.  It was perfect.  We all sat close on the couch together.  I held her in my arms, the kids touched her and kissed her.  Rosie, touched her and said, "Mettie."  Matt gave her a beautiful Priesthood blessing at noon and told her that she had finished her mission here on earth and that it was okay for her spirit leave this mortal life. She had taught all of those around her about patience, love, charity, kindness, sacrifice, faith in Jesus Christ and the Atonement. I can't even describe the feelings we felt as we watched our sweet little Mettie take her last breath here on earth and her spirit leave her body.  She died at 12:15pm.

There were times Mettie could have left this earth, but we feel that she just wanted to be at home with her family before leaving.  She left very soon after coming home.

We all held her body for a long time afterwards to mourn her loss.  That time will never be enough. Our hearts our aching.  We will miss her sweet spirit.